It is like the universe is telling me to write and is sending forlorn pocket-sized monkeys as its messengers. If you happened to lose your adorable, tiny, shearling-coat wearing monkey today, he is apparently wandering around an Ikea in Toronto. And he’s wearing a diaper. And according to at least one woman in the store who posted a video of the little guy on YouTube, the whole experience was “terrifying.” OH my god, now I just read that this monkey was locked in its crate in a car, and it managed to get out of said crate, OPEN THE CAR DOOR, and make it across the presumably huge Ikea parking lot to do a little shopping. That IS terrifying. The owner wasn’t supposed to have the monkey in the first place, so now the Toronto authorities aren’t giving him back. What will become of this poor monkey? Well, at least he’s dressed appropriately for winter in Toronto. Do you think he’s going to go to a zoo or animal shelter now and be like, “Why the hell are all of these monkeys naked?” And all the other monkeys are going to be all, “OH, look at fancy clothed monkey in his warm shearling coat and poop-catching diaper, he thinks he’s better than us, let’s eat him.” Poor, poor monkey.
In other news, sometimes my daughter says something so thoughtful, so sweet, so insightful, that I am in total awe of her. And then other times, she asks me to call her Nicki Minaj when I pick her up from school.
I just had to write that down because I don’t want to ever forget it.
Anyways, by this point in my stay-at-home mom adventure, I expected to have some insightful perspective on the whole thing. I thought I’d have some clarity about what was better for my family, for my kids, for me. But instead, I have never felt so old in my life because my body is going batshit crazy.
First, I tore the meniscus in my knee because I had the nerve to actually work out for the first time in, oh, a year. To quote my orthopedist: “Who do you think you are, doing lunges at your age.” Why I never. Luckily it wasn’t a bad tear and I only had to wear a gigantic brace and hobble around for about ten days. But, as my mother always told me, walking like a peg-legged pirate for ten days has its price. For me, it aggravated a back problem I hadn’t even thought about for like four years and caused me to HERNIATE A DISC. That is in all caps because it is TOTALLY MERITED.
And of course, my disc has the balls to herniate itself right after my husband leaves for a business trip and I am solely responsible for the kids. Shit always hits the fan as soon as my husband is en route to his fancy hotel and his expense-account nights out with co-workers. If not for my amazing neighbor swooping in and taking care of my kids while I whimpered on my heating pad, I have no idea what I would have done. Well, I would have taken painkillers and drooled on myself – I guess I should say I’m not sure what the kids would have done.
So the worst part of the back pain is behind me, but it has slowed me down for going on four weeks now. Which means for four weeks I have been feeling useless and not doing the looooong list of things I wanted to do after I quit my job, and my husband has been doing everything. All while listening to me tell him he’s doing it all wrong (well, he is).
So that’s why I just don’t have any perspective yet. It’s disappointing, but maybe also a lesson – that when you have more unscheduled time in your day, there’s more room for stuff to go totally off track. Or to stop trying to plan stuff and just take care of yourself. Or that even when you are lying on the kitchen floor in excruciating pain, it will take a good 30 minutes of eating dinner before one of your kids says, “Hey, what are you doing?” Or maybe I am just getting old.
I’m going with the first two.