Yesterday at my Starbucks office, I sat next to the most amazingly awkward first date. In between long silences and embarrassed-sounding giggles, the future couple discussed the following. (Please note: this list could also be titled, “Things You Should Never Say to Anyone You Want to See Naked.”)
1. “So after I turned 50 I started gaining tons of weight because of my menopause-associated night eating. My mother did the same thing when she was my age because her hormones went crazy. One time I woke up on the kitchen floor drenched in sweat with the refrigerator door wide open and food everywhere. It was 2 in the morning! Ha ha ha!”
2. “I know everything you need to know about fatty oleic acids.” [Followed by a lengthy description of fatty oleic acids, cholesterol, and massive heart attacks.]
3. “I will tell you the problem with healthcare for the poor today: it is TOO good. That is really the problem.”
4. “Well, my parents were a little physically abusive, so that’s probably why I liked my ex-wife so much. She was batshit crazy. I am always attracted to crazy women! Ha ha!”
5. “Don’t you think the worst thing about living alone is not having someone there to massage you when you need it?” [Said in a deep, raspy voice, while walking behind the man and then squeezing his shoulders.]

I haven’t dated for 18 years (and what the hubz and I did in college doesn’t really qualify as “dating”). So I have no idea what I’m talking about. But I really think that if I heard any of those five subjects on a first date I would get up and run right out the door.

But these guys were planning a second date as I was packing up for the day. As my grandpa used to say, “Every pot has a lid.” And really, thank goodness these two found each other; it’s got to be hard to find someone who shares an interest in fatty oleic acids (or at least someone who is willing to pretend they give a shit about them).

Please oh please let them come back to Starbucks for their second date.

Also: for your terrifying scientific fact for the day, I just Googled “menopause night eating” and it is a THING. A real thing that can happen to women. Just another thing to look forward to, ladies!