I learned something over the holidays: did you know that there is a real human person named Benedict Cumberbatch? Well, there is, and in a totally expected non-twist, he is British and looks like he enjoys eating crumpets and wearing a monocle:
I’ve heard that some women think King Sir Cumberbatch Duke of Wales is hot. He is not my type but I would absolutely marry him just to be able to announce myself as Lady Benedict Cumberbatch everywhere I went.
In other news,
no one everyone keeps asking about my new year’s resolutions. I am not one of those people who is so self-actualized that I don’t make resolutions. Instead, I am one of those people who makes resolutions and then breaks them by mid-January and feels bad. It is one of my many healthy annual traditions, including: drinking inappropriate amounts at a holiday party, missing one body part with sunscreen while on the beach and increasing my chances of skin cancer by 3,000 percent, and talking about becoming a vegetarian while eating bacon.
Here are this year’s resolutions, in order from “That Would Be Awesome if I Happened to Do That” to “Only On My List So I Sound Interesting”:
- Laugh so hard that I pee my pants. This takes virtually no effort, and I figure I only have a few more years before this is evidence of a medical condition.
- Get a dog and groom it like a wild animal. This takes a little more work than wetting myself, such as adopting a very
dumbcooperative dog and a finding a groomer with questionable judgment. But just imagine having one of these guys to walk around the block: or
- Stop introducing myself as Lady Benedict Cumberbatch everywhere I go. It’s just making people uncomfortable.
- Make civic engagement a priority. Yes, that is a link to a Ralph Nader article, but it is actually not a joke.
- Convince my husband to stop watching Storage Wars because it is fake, awful, and the auctioneer makes me want to punch myself in the eye. This should be easier than convincing him to stop listening to Kesha. Duh, I mean Ke$ha. This is the auctioneer trying to be adorable. Please don’t punch yourself.
- Learn a foreign language (the useful words, not just the dirty ones) and/or learn to cook some foreign food. That people will actually eat.
- Blog every day. After my morning routine of cardio, brushing my hair, meditating, reading non-fiction for pleasure, and eating kale.
I will keep you posted on my progress. And I’m leaning towards the name Lady Cumberbatch for my golden re-zebra dog.