I Only Wanna Be With You

As you may have guessed, I’m not great at getting rid of stuff. This has worked out well for some things, such as my husband, who I have kept around for more than half of my life. But it does not always work out so well. For example, I may have kept my son’s umbilical cord stump in a drawer in his nursery for a few months. That’s right – I couldn’t bear the idea of parting with the black, hardened remains of my first child’s bellybutton. Luckily I got some sage advice from a mom friend of mine about this situation. When she saw the stump laying in the corner of the diaper drawer, she recognized it immediately (it still had that hospital clip thing on it) and said: “OH my god, what the hell is wrong with you, that is so effing disgusting, throw it AWAY!” When I began to protest she said, “Look, it’s not OK to hoard rotting body parts.” Which is just good advice for all new moms, and people in general. I sadly wrapped the stump in tissue, said my farewells, and placed it gently in the trashcan.

I still wonder where it is today.

But what about hoarding things that are not rotting body parts? Despite what you might think from watching TLC, there is just no clear-cut rule. Right now I am trying to come to terms with getting rid of a sentimental piece of furniture in my house:
Rocking Chair

To people who do not attach emotional value to every inanimate object in their lives, that is just a banged up rocking chair and footstool that could probably get $50 at a garage sale. To me, though, that is the place where I learned how to be a mom, where I fell so in love with my little babies and their long eyelashes and chubby cheeks, where I learned how to soothe them and make them giggle, where I cursed everyone who told me that breastfeeding was natural and beautiful, where I fought sleep and lost hundreds of times. I have the clearest memories of my husband passed out on the nursery floor, a chubby baby sleeping on my lap, and rocking back and forth in that chair for hours, convinced that all the goodness in the world at that moment was right next to me and wrapped up in my sweet little family.

So maybe you can understand why I don’t just want to sell it to some a-hole scammer on Craig’s List.

But the chair just doesn’t fit in our house any more and I know its days are numbered. The kids are on to their new big kid furniture, their new toys that need floor space. And I’m slowly starting to realize that that is what little kids do: they push you forward, constantly on to the next thing, excited for what is to come. And most days I go along happily and share in their excitement, but sometimes I just cling desperately to those sweet, fleeting moments that have already come and gone and won’t come again.

So in honor of my milk- and snot-covered rocking chair with the deflated cushions and wobbly right arm and matching broken nursing stool (I will not put any of that in the Craig’s List ad), here is my favorite song about rocking. If you are as scared of old-timey carnies and tattooed ladies as I am, just avert your eyes and listen to the bluegrassy magic.

Apparently Hootie from Hootie & The Blowfish (not the OTHER Hootie) covered this song, and really enraged some of the commenters on this video. Hootie is not the first person I think of when I think of sentimental songs, so I chose to link to this version. But I do think of Hootie quite often, and fondly, because once I danced with a boy to a Hootie song. It was Let Her Cry.

Thank you, Hootie. I think I will.

Just Calm the Elf Down

I have heard so many people complaining about their Elf on the Shelf this holiday season, to which I would like to say, he is not a real person and he is completely under your control.  If he is annoying you with his unreasonable demands to hide him in outlandishly creative spots, and he wants to come bearing gifts and treats for your kids, it is 100% your fault and you could probably do something about it.  Also, in a matter of days he’ll be off to Florida or Cabo or wherever the elves go in the off-season, so really, just deal.  You’ll be fine.

Also, picking apart a Christmas toy for its over-commercialization and the stress it adds to already busy moms during the holiday season is just too easy.  And to say that the worst thing about the Elf on the Shelf is its message of “spying on kids” – really?  Isn’t that Santa’s whole deal?  I remember being a little wigged out when I first heard “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”  Oh, you know, “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good…”, followed by the screeching violins from the shower scene in Psycho?  The Elf on the Shelf is just an extension of that, and part of the deal we make with our kids every December:  you behave, and I will do fun stuff for you and shower you with gifts and I will take exactly zero credit for most of it.  Now go to bed, I have to write “I LOVE YOU” in powdered sugar on the kitchen floor so you think you live with a magical flying elf.

In other news, I started to worry last weekend that the kids were getting a little too obsessed with all the stuff they want for Christmas.  So we went to the grocery store today, and they each got $10 to buy things for people who don’t have enough food.  My attempted lesson about giving back turned into a miniature (adorable) version of SuperMarket Dash:

Image

In between the near misses with other shoppers, I think they actually got it.  I steered them towards the canned food section, and J asked how homeless people get can openers, and how will they heat up the canned food, and what will they use to eat it?  And he asked so earnestly and L was listening so closely that it was a lovely little moment in the middle of the grocery store.  And the kids behaved on the way home, and played nicely while I made dinner, and then read stories under the Christmas tree and went to bed so fast.  It was lovely.

And I probably owe it all to my spying little Elf on the Shelf.

Maybe frogs wear contacts?

A very wise friend of mine told me this weekend that the key to a successful blog is writing every day.  That way people get invested in your posts and want to look at your blog every single day.  That means that every single day I need to be constantly aware of potentially interesting, funny moments that I can work up into a pithy blog post.  

OR I need to steal funny stories right out of my kids’ mouths.  They are literally sleeping upstairs at this very moment while I am stealing their funny.  Frankly, it is the least they owe me.

So last winter, I was consumed with researching the best summer camp for my kids and picked what I thought was a great one.  The camp seemed to have the right balance of field trips, “academics” (including “peaceful conflict resolution” for preschoolers – WHAT), and of course, inflatable waterslides.  My obsessive research paid off, and the camp ended up being a great fit.  They both played outside all day, L made a bunch of new friends, and J expanded his fart-noise repertoire.  What more could a mom hope for?

On the drive home at the end of the 8-week camp session, I asked the kids to tell me in one sentence about the very best thing they learned at camp.  I truly expected to hear about how they could now successfully avoid conflict or, at the very least, something about waterslide safety.  But instead J says:  “I learned that Jewish people are not ticklish and that frogs do not have spectacles that you can see.”

My mind raced.  Do I deal with the vaguely racist comment first, or the comment that sounds like he dropped acid and now thinks that frogs wear invisible glasses?  Also, ARE Jewish people not ticklish?  Because that is like a superpower, and also, I could not think of a single time that I had tickled my Jewish friends, so oh my god, is he right?  And did I really just ask myself that?  Before I could decide what to say, though, J adds this clarification:  “Wait, not spectacles, what are things boys have?  Testicles!  I mean testicles.  Frogs do not have testicles outside their bodies.  Can I have a piece of gum?”

Sweet jesus, this was too much for me to handle.  In a daze, I focus on not hitting parked cars and mumble something about just because his Jewish friend is not ticklish doesn’t mean that the zillions of Jewish people in the world are not ticklish.  And I hand J the whole pack of gum, which immediately makes L yell that she wants gum, too.  Which is why my children ate an entire pack of Trident on our drive home from summer camp one day.  They thought we were celebrating the end of camp – I was just trying to avoid saying the wrong thing and driving off the road.  

Some days that is still my goal.

Next summer I’m going to try keeping the kids at home.  That way I can teach them my own wacky ideas, and shove gum and candy in their mouths when they say things I don’t know how to handle.  Stay tuned.